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"The Five Dollar Bill"

Exercise #29: "The Five Dollar Bill"
A five dollar bill changes hands five times in one day. Make a list of where, when, who hands it over, and for what. For example:
  • Where: Starbucks, NJ Turnpike
  • When: 7:30am
  • Who: Bob, a truck driver
  • What: a cup of coffee (black) and a bean burrito
If you can complete this exercise in less than 5 minutes, go back and add more detail to describe the places and the people.

1. Where: Kroger
When: 11:45pm
Who: Me
What: Purity's Peanut Butter Fudge ice cream (I had a sudden craving, ok?)

2. Where: CVS
When: 9am
Who: Nancy Durham, the woman who paid for a pack of gum with a $20 bill at Kroger (ugh)
What: a pack of gum

3. Where: Wok City
When: 12pm
Who: Daniel Covra
What: a small order of fried wontons (mm... yummy)

4. Where: YMCA
When: 3:35pm
Who: Holly Demitas
What: exchanged for 5 $1 bills in order to buy an Aquafina from the vending machine

5. Where: Macy's
When: 4:53pm
Who: David Morgan
What: a new outfit for his date with Holly Demitas tomorrow. You see, they really hit it off while exchanging bills, and they ended up exchanging digits as well. Unfortunately for Holly, David is a complete tool with a frat boy mentality. All of that = an awesome date (Please, note the sarcasm.).

hehe That was fun. My favorite was most definitely the little repartee between Holly and David, which reminds me...

I could have sworn that my sister posted on her blog about a really annoying date that she had a little while ago (We Can All Use a Little More Juju), but when I went back to her site to link it, I couldn't find it. I probably just overlooked it.

Jenn, if you're reading this and have a link to said blog post, leave a comment here. Or... just text me, and I'll edit the post. heh Whichever.

Either way, I would much rather have you read the story in her own words because she tells it so well, but I'll have to do my best to relay the info.

Jenn had been talking to this guy via facebook or myspace or summat, and she dug him. He was interesting, intelligent, funny... He seemed like the perfect guy, so when he asked her out on the date she said 'sure.' Oh, poor, poor Jennifer. How wrong you were.

From what I remember, they first went to eat somewhere (I can't remember where...), and Jennifer pretty much knew from the moment she met him in person that this was going to be a real stinker.

He was a frat boy.

You all know the type:
Urban dictionary defines him as "any college age, needle-d***, weed-smoking a**hole who attends college only to party and flunk out. [He] may use roofies to rape women, and finds destroying the property of others an enjoyable pastime. He is recognized by the following:

1) caucasian ethinicity
2) sleeveless t-shirts
3) inane, misogynistic babble
4) the ginormous SUVs (usually F-150s or Suburbans) with jacked-up wheels they drive, especially with stereos blaring rap or metal
5) visors, especially if worn upside-down, backwards, or a savory combination of the two
6) excessive use of the word "faggot"
7) possession of 40 oz beers, cigarettes, marijuana, and/or beer kegs (full-size or pony), especially alcohol stolen from the local grocery store
8) membership in a fraternity (optional)"

Yep. That sounds about right.

Already regretting her choice to go out with this guy, she orders her food (What was it that you ordered, Jenn?) sans cheese. My sister is lactose intolerant, so she absolutely cannot eat food with dairy in it. If she does, she very much regrets it later as she will probably be sitting on that oh-so-special throne in the bathroom for a good long while. Upon hearing this, the guy starts making fun of her. "Oh, hi, I'm Jenn, and I can't eat dairy. Boo hoo hoo." ... ... ... Yes. This guy is a complete and utter douche. Make fun of someone for a genetic, untreatable malady. Classy.

But it gets worse.

When her food arrives, it has cheese on it, but rather than send it back for a cheese free meal, she soldiers through it. There's no way she's going to spend more time with him than she absolutely has to. Meanwhile, he's still making fun of her. "Oh, boo hoo hoo, Jenn. No dairy for you." Jerk. Aside from the taunting, he has no ability to carry on a conversation. Jennifer is quite a gifted gabber (All of the ladies in our family are. Thanks, mom.) and can hold her own when talking to someone else, but there were minutes of silence. Chirp chirp. Chirp chirp. I'm glad I didn't have to go through that.

After the dinner (and more make-fun-of-Jenn-for-her-lactose-intolerance time), they go to see a movie (Once again, my memory fails me as it so often does, and I cannot remember what movie they saw.). Jennifer thinks that she'll finally get a respite from this obnoxious turd in the dark movie theater, but no! He wants to chat. Not only that, but for some reason he feels he is deserving of a high five. When Jennifer respond with a winning smile and an equally enthusiastic high five, he begins to smash his hand against her face in an attempt to get her attention.

When is this ever appropriate behavior when you're trying to woo a girl? It makes me think that he just wanted to get into her pants and didn't really care how he treated her. Either that or he was friggin' stupid and completely clueless about dating etiquette.

The movie ends, and they leave. When they part ways, Jenn says aloud, "Won't be seeing you again." That's one of the great things about my sister: she's never afraid to say what's on her mind.

Have any of you been on horror dates? Do you know a frat boy? Tell me about it! I'd love to hear your stories.

That's all for this post.


ADDENDUM: Jenn has now posted her retelling of the story on her blog (We Can All Use a Little More Juju), and it's hilarious. Go read it; you won't regret it.

Picture care of an article by PinkStar21 via the College OTR's Duke-specific website. The article is pretty hilarious. You should read it.


JujuJuniper said…
It's on my MySpace page. And I believe the guy qualified as a Douche Canoe.

It's the January 20th entry, but I'm not sure if people can see it if they aren't my friends. Hmmmm.
Stef Howerton said…
Blah. It's set to private. Maybe you should post it on your blog, because the story is hilarious, and you tell it so much better than I can... mostly because you were there. heh
Unknown said…
Hi there! I stumbled upon your blog thorugh C. Patrick Schultz's. The exercises you've posted are quite interesting. Thanks for sharing and being so generous.
JujuJuniper said…
Post of the Date:

It still makes me giggle. :)

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