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The Sex Talk ... From a Virgin??? Wha wha WHAAATT?

Aiya, it's been a while. I haven't written a gosh darn thing since January 20th. Reprehensible, I say! Especially since I've been planning to write more on here this year. Way to go, Stef, for keeping your New Years' Resolutions. Oh well... I'll get better........ maybe. :)

I do have something that I feel is important to write about, however, which is why I'm here! :)

I'm 22 years old, and I'm a virgin, a fact that I am extremely proud of in this day and age. Some people get really antsy in admitting the fact that they are a virgin, but I would willingly shout it from the top of the flat iron building in NYC were I given the chance.

I understand that I'm a rarity among my demographic, but I also understand that, while some people admire me for sticking with my choice, others think that I am stupid or crazy. I'm ok with that. It's my personal choice, and I have no reason to change it just because the majority of America's populace doesn't agree with me.


I'm not going to lie. These past few months have been an emotional roller coaster for me. As the time approaches for me to be thinking about future intimacy (My boyfriend has all but proposed to me at this point.), I can't help but feel kind of terrified. And by "kind of" I mean completely. I keep gravitating to the fact that my first time with my husband is going to be traumatic. Being a virgin, my hymen will still be in tact. Awesome. Except not at all. It's going to be painful. Not only that, but I'm going to bleed all over my husband. I don't know about you guys, but I throw up in my mouth a little bit when that thought enters my mind. There is absolutely nothing romantic about it, and, to be completely honest, its violent nature is completely unappealing to me. No, thank you. K, thanks, bye.


As I was saying before my little rant, I'm proud of the fact that I'm a virgin. BUT... I was perusing and came across an article that said people that waited for sex had a higher risk of sexual dysfunction when they actually did do the deed. At first, I was skeptical. It's just the media telling us to have sex out of wedlock. Sex isn't a sacred act; it's not something to share between two people that have committed their lives to one another, etc... Stupid media. As I kept reading onward, however, their points made some sense.

"From a clinical standpoint, there are often dynamics other than the desire to be abstinent until marriage, such as fear of intimacy, body image problems, alcohol and drug abuse, and sexual dysfunction," he said. He adds that these factors "might influence the delay of sexual debut as a means of avoiding sexual issues."

Ding, ding, ding! Well, not the alcohol and drug abuse, but the other things -- fear of intimacy and body image problems -- DING! And then he goes on to say,

"In my sex therapy office I see countless women and men who have received messages about sex that shame them about their sexual feelings and also terrify them about their sexual behavior.

"For women ... the message that 'good girls' should not engage in or enjoy sex may cause women to shut down sexually, leading to dysfunction.

"One of the many dysfunctions that arises is that women never develop the ability to ask for what they want, which leaves them open for life-long disappointment, desire disorders, orgasmic dysfunction, and worse -- they're ripe for abuse and violence."

I was having a really great talk with a close friend of mine recently, and she and I both have this problem. We were taught to be good little girls and that sexual thoughts were bad. All of the sex ed classes we took in high school were geared towards abstinence (ah, the joys of going to a private Christian school...), and while this is good, it also really bashed the whole issue of relationship intimacy. I feel intense guilt, sometimes, for how far I've gone with my boyfriend, and the truth is, we haven't even scratched the surface of sexual intimacy. It's ridiculous that I feel guilty, because I've done absolutely nothing wrong.

So why do I question myself? Why do I berate myself for wanting to kiss my boyfriend? Why do I feel shame to such an intense degree that I can't even cope with going any further?

I blame sex ed classes at school and my upbringing.

My parents were (are) awesome parents. They deserve medals and all sorts of cash prizes for being the best parents on the earth. That being said, however, I can't help but feel that part of this has to do with them. My dad was kind of close-mouthed about the whole sex issue. I mean, I knew how he felt about it; there was to be absolutely no sex. EVER. At least, not until I was married. My mom was the exact opposite in her approach. Every time I left the house, she would say something to the effect of "No drugs and no sex!" Even if I was going over to a female friend's house to watch a movie. She knew very well that I would never partake in such behavior, but she never failed to place that seed in my brain every time I walked out of her presence.

And then you've got the sex ed classes at school, which were pretty much a joke. They were anatomy lessons. This is a penis, this is a vagina... when a married man and a woman love each other very, very much... etc. Of course, there was talk of some contraceptives, but nothing that was brought up about it was really spoken about in great detail. I didn't need an anatomy lesson. I had a doctor for a father and a mother that was a nurse. I knew all about how sex worked. I had known all about that for a very long time.

The funny things is, I don't really remember ever having "the talk" from either of my parents. I just knew about it. I think it was one of those things that my family was just very candid about. Not only that, but my sister and I were avid readers of the encyclopedia set that my parents had displayed in a bookshelf in our living room, and said encyclopedia set had an entire section in the 'S' book dedicated to sex, how it happened, what exactly happened, etc... I don't know. Sex was one of those things that we were all very open about growing up. There was just this ongoing "Sex is bad" vibe, though, that was prevalent wherever I went, and it haunts me still.

It's ridiculous for me to feel guilty for doing so little as kissing my boyfriend, to feel like I've wronged everyone that ever taught me anything about sex for letting my boyfriend kiss me on the neck. Thankfully, my boyfriend understands and is very supportive of me. Thank God, right?

Before I wrap up here, I guess I might as well go into the reasons why I chose to remain a virgin until I get married.

1. It started as a religious thing. All of my friends had made "the promise," so I guessed I would, too. My parents were all about it as well, so why not?

2. Then it turned into stubborn determination. Everyone I knew was giving in, but I refused. I had made a promise, and I was going to keep it, damn it!

3. As the years went on, the stubbornness faded away into, "Well, I've waited this long. I guess I can wait a little longer."

4. Then, I got smart. I wasn't choosing to abstain from sex out of convenience, or because everyone else was (or wasn't) doing it. I realized that it was the best contraceptive out there. Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure that people who don't have sex have a severely lower chance of getting some sort of STD or an unwanted pregnancy. There's still that issue of sex being a sacred act to be kept within the specific institution of marriage, but I actually have reasons to back that up.

5. And then I got even smarter. :) Not only is it the best contraceptive, but I will NEVER have to think about having sex with another man when being intimate with my husband. You never get those images out of your mind. The connection of the human psyche with an act so vulnerable and intimate as sex is practically unbreakable, and I'm just glad that I don't have to worry about thinking about the other men with whom I've had sex. I'd rather just enjoy my husband fully.

Those are the reasons. It's not all of them, but those are the main ones. :)

Well, anyways, that's my blurb for today. It's something that's been on my mind as of late, and I felt like it needed to be said, if not only for me to get off my chest but also for others to read and realize that, if they are in the same boat as me, that they aren't alone. :)



Anonymous said…
Stef, I commend you on your stand to remain a virgin until your married. You're absolutely right - it is the absolute BEST contraceptive and you dang sure don't have to worry about having an unwanted pregnancy and all the complications that brings about as well!

While there *may* be issues regarding fear and body image and the other items you mentioned, don't sell yourself short. You sound like an extremely intelligent young lady who knows what she wants, and I'm quite sure that your future husband will understand that, because I cannot see you getting married to someone who would not be understanding and supportive of your decision.

When the time comes on your honeymoon, just take it slow, enjoy being with each other and discovering each other and the rest will take care of itself.

A friendly mum...
Anonymous said…
Since you're older, there is less of a chance for you to bleed everywhere unless you have an extremely small opening in your vagina.

The body is sexually matured at the age of eighteen, I think you're safe.

My friend is going through the same problem in that she won't get intimate with anyone. She had a "tramatic" experience. It's all based on you're raised. My friend's mom frowned upon sex so much that she's scared of it.

If you ever want to talk,


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