Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Exercise #203 - Bizarre Thing in a Shopping Mall

Do you prefer fashion victim or ensembly challenged?
What is the most bizarre thing you ever saw in a shopping mall? Where exactly were you? How did you react? Try to get down as much detail as you can.

1, 2, 3, GO!

Many years ago, when shopping malls were still a cool place to go hang out and flirt with boys (like totally) instead of the depressing abandoned husks of buildings that they are now, I used to spend a great deal of time at the local mall. Heck, we even had field trips to the mall sometimes for school. I have no idea why, to be completely honest. All I remember was the food court during those excursions... Maybe it was like a lunch break or something while we were out on our actual field trip? I don't know. I went to a private school. They do a lot of weird things.

SIDE NOTE: Oh! There was one day where we were in the food court during a field trip, and one of my classmates who was really good at Dance Dance Revolution was was beating everyone in the mall. It was amazing. It felt like I was watching true greatness.

At any rate, I used to spend a lot of time at the mall. In fact, one might have even compared me to the lovely lady to the left.

Except, you know... without the Canadian-ness. And the fame. And the eventual love with Barny that ended up in divorce and flame rekindling with Ted.

Shh... It has been long enough. Your anger at my spoiler falls upon deaf ears.

The mall that was closest to my house seriously had everything despite being sort of removed from the city and in the suburban area of Bellevue (south of Nashville, TN). There was an international shop where you could buy swords and Chinese teapots, an area for little kids to play on while being watched by their parents, shoe stores out the wazoo, and a food court that boasted a Christie Cookies AND a Sbarro's. It was heaven.

Goths and perverts shop here according to
Southern Christian Fundamentalists.
Little did I know that in the bowels of the mall a beast lurked, waiting for me to stumble upon it one day. You all know it. The store to which I am referring is the infamous Spencer's.

When I was in middle school, I was explicitly told that I was not allowed in that store, especially the "back area," and I had adhered to these rules for quite some time until one of my friends walked in as we were passing. I was shocked that she didn't burst into fire as she passed through the forbidden doorway. In fact, she acted like it was nothing, and actually gave me a sigh of annoyance as I hesitated outside.

Fearing that I would be ostracized, I caved into peer pressure and walked in, intent on staring at the floor so that I would have a solid alibi if I was to be questioned. "But Mom, I didn't look at anything, I swear!!" But the temptation was too great. I took quick peeks every few seconds, "to make sure that I wasn't going to bump into anything, of course" and I was surprised to see pretty mundane stuff: a t-shirt with the hemp sign on it, superhero socks, shot glasses... This was what all the fuss was about? I chuckled at my parents' concern. I was grown enough for this.

My friend and I moved farther back into the store, and my waning concern surged back into the forefront again. Wait. The back of the store?? I don't know why, but this particular area was the main reason why Spencer's was such a bad place. Did I dare to challenge authority further and continue on with my friend?

Yes.
Yes, I did dare.

Sex toys, everywhere. Dildos, vibrators, cock rings, etc. Everywhere. My eyes felt like they were on fire. As a young, abstinent-because-her-Mommy-and-Daddy-said-so girl, I had never once seen these things. I could imagine how they were used (yes, I grew up in a Protestant environment, but my parents were in the medical field so everything had been explained to me in graphic detail... with medical terminology), but to actually use them in that manner... how vulgar.

It was then that I saw it. It was a tiny little blue bed made of plastic. I don't remember what it was called, but apparently a man was supposed to put his penis on it. To this day, it still doesn't make sense to me. Why would you put your penis on a plastic bed? It's not cute. I don't remember there being a vibration function. It was just a plastic toy bed with a curve in the middle to make it easier for a penis to lie in it.

SIDE NOTE: I even did multiple Google searches to no avail. I'm sure that I'll be getting lots of penis spam now that my search history shows "plastic penis bed."

What is the strangest thing you've found at a shopping mall? Please do tell.

Peace.
Stef.

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