Self, Meet... Well... Yourself

Merriam-Webster defines neurosis as
a mental and emotional disorder that affects only part of the personality, is accompanied by a less distorted perception of reality than in a psychosis, does not result in disturbance of the use of language, and is accompanied by various physical, physiological, and mental disturbances (as visceral symptoms, anxieties, or phobias).
Ok, so maybe she's not as bad as they come, but she's pretty high up there in the list of those affected.

To get to the point, I have come to realize that I'm much more neurotic than I have ever given myself credit for. I'm not sure when or how it happened, but it did. Throughout the show, Elliot drives herself crazy in each relationship she enters because she overthinks and obsesses about every tiny little thing. Why did he act this way? That way? He hates me, I know it. I just know it! Why am I even trying to be in a relationship with him when he hates me?!?! AAAAAHHHHHH! Ad nauseam, ad infinitum.

I remember watching the show and thinking, Oh, my goodness. This woman's head is going to explode! How can anyone stand her? Of course, after a few episodes, I grew to love Elliot and her neurosis, but lately, I've been seeing a bit of this in myself.

No, not just a bit. A lot.

I like to consider myself as a pretty level-headed person. I base my actions on carefully thought-out, logical facts. However, I have recently come to realize that this is completely wrong. In truth, I am completely and utterly nuts-o. Really and truly a headcase (don't worry, I'm still mildly functional in society).

When did this happen? I don't really know. I don't remember being as crazy a couple of years back...

Oh. My. Goodness. It just hit me!

So if you've been reading this blog for a long time, you'll know that last year was really difficult for me. I finally acknowledged the facts that a) I was severely depressed and b) needed help coping with it from a professional. I started seeing a therapist who put me on Welbutrin (generic bupoprion). I stayed on it for a year, but when I got mono, I stopped it so I could focus on getting better without all of the drugs in my system. I was pleased to discover that I didn't need to take it anymore, so I've been off of it ever since.

Before my meetings with my therapist and the bupoprion, I was a zombie. I would wake up in the mornings and attend class, but I would not be present emotionally. I spoke to no one and did nothing other than what was required of me academically. Sometimes I didn't even do that.

I can't even tell you when it started. If I were forced to choose an onset period, I'd wager that it all began while I lived in New York during 2005 or 6, but it may have been longer. At any rate, that means I was essentially numb emotionally for approximately 3-4 years.

I'm thinking that I've finally reached the point where I'm allowing myself to feel... really feel. I'm allowed to do that, you know. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. As a result, these emotions are slowly creeping back into my life, and I'm allowing myself to recognize them.

Hey, that's a great thing!!! :)

So why am I obsessing over it now? Well, I'll tell you.

If you remember back a few posts where I was asking your advice on a certain boy-related issue, it's still based on that same problem. I'm still getting these vibes from him, and I still think that it might possibly be wishful thinking.

I found out the other day that this guy might have a special ladyfriend, and I was actually happy of the prospect of him going out with someone. That meant that I was, in fact, making up the vibes and overreacting to nothing. It was a golden day, because I had been freed from this weird thought process that kept bouncing around in my head. Does he like me? Do I like him? Golly Moses, nothing makes sense anymore! Oh, God, Oh, God, Oh, God!!

I'm sure you've noticed that I am referring to all of this in the past tense. That's because things have changed. Ugh.

Expressing my excitement about this possible girl in his life, he tells me that "it's a bust" and that she turned him down (what a dumb, dumb girl). Now, I'm still "free" at this point, thinking that, if he was interested in this other girl, that there was no way he could still be having thoughts about me, so I asked him if he wanted to go see a movie with me later in the week. We've had the end of the week (Thursday and Friday) off from school because of the holiday weekend so we had some evenings free to hang out, and I thought it would be fun now that the weirdness was gone.

We decided to see Shutter Island with Leonardo di Caprio and Ben Kingsley (expect a review from me in the next few days), and he calls me the day of to see if it's ok if he brings some other friends with him. I have access to 4 free tickets care of my ex who works at the theater, so I could take 3 people in with me for free. At first, I was a little bummed because I was hoping to spend some time one-on-one with him, but then I thought Why do I need alone time?? C'mon, Stef! That's old news. Get over it! and moved on. Not only that, but I really enjoy one of the other people who came with him, so I was excited to get to spend some time with all of them.

So we got to the movie theater, and I retrieved the tickets. Two of the other guys decided, however, to go see Clash of the Titans instead of Shutter Island because they had both seen the latter already. That means that Previous-Vibes-Guy and I were going to see the movie by ourselves. That was fine with me. Except for the fact that I was starting to feel the vibes again. I brushed them off a few times, but I simply cannot be making them up! Or maybe I am... Man alive, I don't know.

This is where the neurotic behavior comes in, if you hadn't guessed already.

Throughout the entire movie, there was pretty much constant contact. Nothing overt like holding hands or anything, but it was subtle leaning so that our shoulders grazed slightly, etc. And it wasn't just me doing it! I swear! Gahhhhhhh...

So I'm still in limbo-land and unsure of what to do. I also still have no idea whether or not I like it.

Shoot me in the face, please.

Peace.
Stef.

Comments

Janett said…
Reading your posting about feeling like a zombie while on Wellbutrin (is that how its spelled?) really hit home for me. I was put on the same medication a few years ago and also felt as though I have lost a part of my "spunk," so to speak. I can't agree with you more that there is absolutely nothing wrong with having feelings, that is what makes us human after all, yet society tells us to pop some pills and mask them. Throughout my journey of dealing with depression I have found that it is best to take the time to reflect upon myself and get to the root of the problem instead.
Köpa bands said…
Silly pills solve nothing, but they can give you the time needed to solve things without drowning in the mire.
pseudonymous said…
I love this. Boy? If he knows what he wants he will make you sure he likes you, and if not? Believe me, being with a boy who doesn't know what he wants is worse than being alone. It makes you feel even more neurotic than before. So, assume nothing is up and continue to hang out like friends. He will figure out what he wants eventually.
I guess I could give you the both sexes are equal speech, but honestly, when it comes to things like this, us girls can decide what we want, or can communicate that we don't know what we want. I've tried both ways, the one where I make the move, and the one where I wait for him to decide. The latter tends to be a better outcome. I honestly think it goes back to caveman roots and boys needing to hunt and conqueror whereas women's hormones are wired to make us happy staying put. For the most part.
Connie10 said…
Reading about the meds. and the feelings, was very interesting, I have been on Zoloft for a long time, and have been seriously thinking about finding something to help with the anxiety that I experience when I don't take it. It does make you feel Less!

Connie
Arwen said…
It's like you took my brain and pasted it onto this page. I used to think I was completely crazy too. I have had deep depression for the last seven years and still have it (I am on new medication now though)and I thought I was crazy. A trip to the loonie bin certainly didn't help that worry. Ah the problem of guys. I'm 16 so that's the story of my life haha. Great post, I like your sense of humor.
maks said…
thanks for your work

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