Remember how...

I said that I was neurotic and would probably come running back to you after my decision to disregard all vibes from Boy that I may or may not have been feeling?

Well, that time has come, and I must say it's come much more quickly than I had anticipated.

This is the face I'm making right now:

This is me... except, I'd be making
this face in girl form, of course.


This is not what I wanted. At all. I wanted so badly for things just to be normal. That's all. Normal.

What was I thinking?? Why on earth did I expect to just push these feelings aside and pretend that they didn't exist?? In truth, it just exacerbated them. I was suppressing all of it, and then boom! The problem increased tenfold.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night, and I said something of myself that I needed to hear:

"I need to stop being a neurotic little crapazoid."

Now, I'm not entirely sure what a 'crapazoid' is, but I'm sure it's entirely applicable to my behavior.

Here's the thing. The other night, after a concert at my University, Boy and I sat outside and talked for three hours. THREE HOURS. I didn't get home until midnight.

Really? I mean... really? I'm officially dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I knew that spending more time with Boy would make Little Miss Brain go to places that I didn't really want her to visit, yet there I was, chatting gleefully away. Meanwhile, Little Miss Brain up in my cranium was going nuts. I even had a moment of panic.

Somehow, we got onto the topic of how men think differently than women, and I was talking about how I frequently have 1 bajillion things going through my mind at any period of time. He looked at me and said, "What's on your mind now?" and pointed at me, expecting an immediate answer.

I wanted to play along with the little game, but the only things swimming through Little Miss Brain were Does Boy have feelings for me? Do I have feelings for Boy? Why can't I just read Boy's mind? Why can't Little Miss Brain make up her mind? and other such crazy-talk. I absolutely could not utter those things! He would surely have run away screaming with his hands flailing in the air. And that most definitely is not a good reaction.

I have a terrible feeling that things are going to be coming to a head soon, and I am terrified of the outcome.

Or maybe... just maybe things will dissipate, and all will return to normal. I'm holding out for the latter.

Peace.
Stef.

Comments

Hannah said…
I'm probably not helping here... but I don't think you are probably too far off in your thinking. Boys don't generally spend LOTS of time with a girl they aren't interested in. Period. Maybe this particular someone doesn't realize it, but it HAS to be there somewhere. I only know from my limited experience with the opposite sex, but when I was having this issue, I asked many guys, and they confirmed this idea:

Guys to not spend all their time with a girl unless he is interested in her.

I'm am sorry if I am making this worse, or if for some reason, this is the one circumstance that is the exception to the rule. But my best advice is just to do nothing. I know it sucks, but if he's really interested, he'll say something eventually. If not, don't stress over it. I know.. not easy. I've been there. :(

We should hang out this weekend, by the way. I'm not working!!! WOOT!
Jamie D. said…
God, Stef - I'm not going to be any help at all here, but when I read these posts, it brings me right back to high school/college and my own neuroses..."does he, doesn't he, should I, shouldn't I, OMG I'm totally insane." I suffered it all quietly, of course, but good lord I was a mess. And now you are too. I feel for ya.

I can tell you what *didn't* work for me - and that was trying to force the issue. I would drive myself so insane that I'd eventually ask the guy something like "is this going anywhere" or "is there anything between us?" The answer was normally "No, I just think you're a really cool friend." Which crushed me, of course.

I guess my only advice would be, try to keep the battiness to yourself, and wait him out. If he says/does something, then you'll know. Otherwise, try to treat it like a good friendship. And remember, some of the best, tightest romances start with being best friends (my husband and I were friends long before we started dating). :-)
Dork Vader said…
*twitches* This is the FOURTH time I've tried to comment on this post. GAHHHHH! Blogger is evil to me....
Anyway. I just wanted to say good luck. I'm the exact same way, and I know that it can be down right evil to live with. Hope it all works out for you ^_^
Guinevere said…
Your posts on this always remind me of MJ and I in college. We had all these will-we-won't-we talks and, omg, it was a mess for the longest time.

Now we're married, and life is amazing. That isn't entirely helpful, is it? My point is, it might work out. Or it might not, and the next guy might be The One. Or the guy after him. It's all going to work out in the long run.

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