Dry Skin & The Hollywood Remake Disease
Exercise #117 : "Dry Skin"Ok. Dry skin... Cool. GO!
Take this as your opening line:
Take this as your opening line:
He had the driest skin they had ever seen.
He had the driest skin they had ever seen, but little did they know that it was this very skin that would save their lives.
The rainy season had lasted much longer than normal, years in fact. The world was changing around them, and they were as well. Something in the rain sped up their genetic growth, mutating them into monsters with scales, disgusting humanoid amphibians. Their main concern was returning to their previous state when they were happy and normal, but could it be done?
The Dry Man, known to his friends as Edward, was a Messiah of sorts to his people, their last hope, and he felt the pressure constantly. Edward had been an accountant before the rains, pasty and dry-skinned, but when his friends and family began changing before his very eyes while he remained normal made his importance all too apparent.
I have absolutely NO idea where I was going with that. hahahahaha How ridiculous, a pasty, dry-skinned accountant saving his once-human-now-amphibian friends??? I'm giggling out loud to myself right now. For some reason, it makes me think of this guy (pictured right).
I did a little bored internet surfing last night and came upon some terrible news. For any of you that grew up during the 80s and 90s, consider yourself warned. A wave of blasphemous remakes are on their way. Which movies, you ask? Well, let me tell you.
- Red Dawn - They're making this classic into an updated version, set in current times, changing the Cold War mindset to one that is post-9/11. Good idea, guys.
- The Karate Kid - I KID YOU NOT! Sure, it's not exactly a remake because it's set in China, but the plot is generally the same. BLASPHEMY! Pat Morita is rolling over in his hallowed grave. Jaden Smith is a talented kid, but he has no place as Daniel-san.
- A Nightmare on Elm Street - Terrible idea. This movie is a classic and should never be touched again.
- Awaken the Dragon - Remake of Enter the Dragon. Poor, poor Bruce Lee. They obviously have no respect for your greatness.
- Barbarella - Now, I'm not a big fan of this movie in general, but the only way I see them doing this movie is to turn it into this campy sex-fest somewhere in the vein of American Pie. Not ok.
- Footloose - This one breaks my heart. Footloose is perfect as it is. Please, Hollywood, please don't ruin one of my favorites.
- Dirty Dancing - Same as above.
- Highlander - I have 1 thing to say to this: There can be only ONE!
- The Incredible Mr. Limpet - Don Knotts was the perfect Mr. Limpet, fish lips and all.
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer - I would actually look forward to this if Joss Whedon was involved, but they have sadly opted out of including the genius that nurtured that series into brilliance. Dumb move guys, dumb move.
- Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIHM - I refuse to even comment on this one, especially since they're turning it into a movie like Alvin and the Chipmunks.
- All of Me - No one will be able to fill those characters as completely as Lily Tomlin and Steve Martin.
- Adventures in Babysitting - Why would anyone remake this movie?!?!
Cowboy Bebop - This is an incredibly well-done, interesting anime, and I love it. I recommend it to anyone who is looking to make a break into the anime world because chances are if you watch anime at all it's among the highest rated ones on your list. That being said, the protagonist, Spike Spiegel, is a great character. Spike is a laid-back, sarcastic guy and is pretty indirect about his feelings, specifially when he likes someone. In the end, he's a fantastic character, and he is absolutely engrossing to observe.
They're making a movie out of this, and in any other circumstance, I'd probably be super psyched about it. But no... They had to go and ruin my euphoria. Guess who they got to play Spike?
Well, I'll tell you...
KEANU REEVES. There is nothing more offensive than this. Nothing. Hollywood, you have just lost a customer.
I'm getting way to annoyed. Time to head off here. Your thoughts?