As promised, here is my first attempt at a #flashfriday submission... Wahoo.
(DISCLAIMER!: I had a really hard time with this one simply because I have always had a problem ending stories, and this one was no exception. I think I also chose a topic that wasn't really good for a less-than-1000-words limit, so I pretty much kicked myself in the butt on that front. Either way, please be merciful with your reviews. I am a mere fledgling #flashfriday participant and hope to improve.)
Many years had passed since the bomb had dropped, but the city had not been rebuilt. At the time, there had been no resources to repair the damage, and efforts to restore it were soon forgotten, the surviving inhabitants moving to other nearby establishments. The area was large, spanning nearly 100 miles, and the dismal landscape was dominated by the charred ruins of buildings that seemed to have been thrust violently through the earth's surface in a sudden, catastrophic upheaval.
But there were those that still dared to live in the Barren Zone, scavenging for their lives. They were the Exiled, the Shunned. These people - often referred to as Sub-Humans - were forced into lives of abject poverty after being charged for crimes against humanity that they were accused of committing after the initial explosion.
"It's time," said Joseph, the self-appointed leader of the Sub-Humans.
"But, sir," said Nicholas, his right-hand man, "We're not reaady. We don't have enough supplies."
"We'll never have enough supplies. We have to make do with what we've got."
"But-"
"Enough," Joseph said, cocking his rifle. "I've made my decision."
Joseph was a strong man, one of the first to be sent by court order to the Barren Zone, but he was rash, too eager to fight. Most of the Sub-Humans trusted him blindly to guide them to freedom and peace, but there were a few who doubted his ability to lead them safely.
As Joseph walked away, Nicholas ran after him.
"What are you going to tell them?" he said.
"The truth," Joseph said without stopping. "We're moving out tonight, and only those interested in leaving this godforsaken place need to come along with us."
"There will be many who will refuse. The people are simply not ready." Nicholas grabbed Joseph's elbow, and Joseph whipped around viciously, grabbing the collar of Nicholas' shirt and lifting him, his feet almost off the ground.
"I'm sorry, Sir," Nicholas said quickly, immediately regretting his action. "I spoke out of turn."
"Learn your place, Nicholas," Joseph hissed. "Tell everyone to meet by the Empire State Building's foundation in one hour."
He placed Nicholas back on the ground and walked away saying, "It's going to be a long night."
End.
Once again, I beg for mercy in your reviews. Of course, any and all critiques are very much appreciated.
Why do I feel nervous???
Peace.
Stef.
(DISCLAIMER!: I had a really hard time with this one simply because I have always had a problem ending stories, and this one was no exception. I think I also chose a topic that wasn't really good for a less-than-1000-words limit, so I pretty much kicked myself in the butt on that front. Either way, please be merciful with your reviews. I am a mere fledgling #flashfriday participant and hope to improve.)
Many years had passed since the bomb had dropped, but the city had not been rebuilt. At the time, there had been no resources to repair the damage, and efforts to restore it were soon forgotten, the surviving inhabitants moving to other nearby establishments. The area was large, spanning nearly 100 miles, and the dismal landscape was dominated by the charred ruins of buildings that seemed to have been thrust violently through the earth's surface in a sudden, catastrophic upheaval.
But there were those that still dared to live in the Barren Zone, scavenging for their lives. They were the Exiled, the Shunned. These people - often referred to as Sub-Humans - were forced into lives of abject poverty after being charged for crimes against humanity that they were accused of committing after the initial explosion.
"It's time," said Joseph, the self-appointed leader of the Sub-Humans.
"But, sir," said Nicholas, his right-hand man, "We're not reaady. We don't have enough supplies."
"We'll never have enough supplies. We have to make do with what we've got."
"But-"
"Enough," Joseph said, cocking his rifle. "I've made my decision."
Joseph was a strong man, one of the first to be sent by court order to the Barren Zone, but he was rash, too eager to fight. Most of the Sub-Humans trusted him blindly to guide them to freedom and peace, but there were a few who doubted his ability to lead them safely.
As Joseph walked away, Nicholas ran after him.
"What are you going to tell them?" he said.
"The truth," Joseph said without stopping. "We're moving out tonight, and only those interested in leaving this godforsaken place need to come along with us."
"There will be many who will refuse. The people are simply not ready." Nicholas grabbed Joseph's elbow, and Joseph whipped around viciously, grabbing the collar of Nicholas' shirt and lifting him, his feet almost off the ground.
"I'm sorry, Sir," Nicholas said quickly, immediately regretting his action. "I spoke out of turn."
"Learn your place, Nicholas," Joseph hissed. "Tell everyone to meet by the Empire State Building's foundation in one hour."
He placed Nicholas back on the ground and walked away saying, "It's going to be a long night."
End.
Once again, I beg for mercy in your reviews. Of course, any and all critiques are very much appreciated.
Why do I feel nervous???
Peace.
Stef.
Comments
Welcome to Friday Flash :D
Nice job, though.
It's my first fridayflash, too - though I've been following since ff's inception. Peace, Linda
I agree with Shannon, that it would feel more alive if you began with some action or with the dialogue.
On another note, if your anything like me you will probably be nervous every time you put a piece out there for #fridayflash. We pour so much into our stories and have them read by writers we hold in high regard. It's a little nerve wracking but so worth it. I'm glad you decided to join us.
~Chris
You have the setting down, and you've characterized Joseph and his position very well. I'd love to see what comes next!
Uh, I am SO NERVOUS before I post. Like, pukey nervous. You sure aren't the only one! :)
Welcome to #fridayflash!
I also agree with starting with action or dialogue. I don't know why I didn't do it for this one, because I usually do. It tends to make things flow a bit more smoothly.
Again, thanks so much for your input. It's so helpful, and so very much appreciated.
And, just like Netta and you, I get very nervous too. But everyone here is wonderful--and merciful--and we are all here to learn and help!
Welcome!
I found the idea quite intriguing that those who wrought this great disaster were condemned to live in its aftermath. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like Joseph learned his lesson well, and will be soon be causing more misery.
Good advice from all those who already commented. Nice job.
Oh, and we rarely bite. ;)
~jon