Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Slowly Backing Away... Hands Raised in Surrender

It's been a while... again. It's at this point that I'd probably add in some sort of explanation (i.e. I'm soo busy, etc.), but there really isn't one. All I can say is that for the past several months I have been dealing with some pretty severe emotional flak, and I'm having a hard time wading through it.

I'm tired. Exhausted, actually, and no amount of sleep refreshes me.

My feelings are very bruised.

I'm lonely. It would seem that all of the effort I've put into my relationships has been for naught. My friendship has been deemed worthless which, in turn, has made me feel worthless. Currently, the only people I feel I can truly count on are my parents.

To be completely honest, I'm totally floored. I didn't see this coming. But strangely, looking back, I'm kind of surprised that I didn't see it. It's been happening for a long time, yet here I am, stunned. How did I let it get this far? How did I not see it as it was happening? Why didn't I stop it??? But then again, with things like this I'm not sure I could have stopped it. It was written in the stars, if I may use the expression, however trite it may be... It was bound to happen, and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it... or even to soften the blow.

Have you ever woken up one morning and thought, Well, when in the hell did that happen? That's how I feel. I feel like I've woken up from a dream and been thrust into this reality that scares and chokes me. I'm so disheartened, discouraged, and generally low. I'm normally a pretty positive person -- I try my best to look on the up-side of everything -- and to find myself in this position is so confusing. I'm in this deep ravine, and I'm so far down that the sky looks like a tiny silver thread miles and miles above my head. Oh, it also doesn't help that on either side of me in this ravine is sheer rock, totally and utterly unclimbable. How did I let it get this far?

On a different but similar note, I've begun to notice a few things about myself that I need to fix, ASAP. First off is the fact that I emotionally abuse myself. That's a strange concept, isn't it? Think of it this way: You know how some people get angry and take their anger out on others? Well, when I get angry I take my anger out on myself. For example, I drop something, right (I do that a lot, it seems...)? My immediate reaction is to berate myself for dropping said item. And I usually do it out loud. Now, I am aware that most people react when they drop things. It's normal. But I'm MEAN. It's hard to explain. All I can say is that I'm mean to myself, and that has GOT to change before I can do anything productive with my life.

Secondly -- and this has to do with the friendship thing -- is the fact that I feel I can't be vulnerable. I don't cry. Well, scratch that. I do cry, but when that happens, I do it alone. I don't trust anyone enough to let them see that side of me. Last time I checked, that was not normal or healthy. Not in the slightest. I guess that's why all of my friendships have failed miserably. Because I can't open up. I feel like I have to be this strong person that holds up all of her friends, and there's a part of me that pipes up and says, "Good, Stef. Be a good friend, always there, always strong. Never fall. Because if you do, no one will be there to catch you. No one. In your time of need, you are alone."

It's horribly lonely when you think like that.

Please don't think of this as a cry-fest. I'm not whining or complaining. I'm simply getting my feelings out, putting them out into physical form (albeit electronic, but I can see it in front of me, anyway...). I guess I should do this in a journal or something, to make it private, but I'm not really concerned about that right now. I'm contemplating whether I should post this or not, but we'll see, I guess. It's a little too personal, a little too vulnerable (but maybe that's what I need... to be vulnerable). And it does seem like a cry-fest. It looks like a cry for help, asking my friends to make me feel better.

Let me make clear that that is not what I want. I don't want you to come to me and say "I'm sorry, I didn't know." For all I know, it's a platitude that means absolutely nothing. I would even recommend for you to forget that you read this. It would make life a little easier for all of us. I will say, though, that unless you are willing to put effort into our relationship, then don't worry about it. Forget about me. Because if you're not willing to make an effort, then I am sure as hell not going to try to be friends with you, either.

This is an ultimatum.

I'm tired of giving my heart and soul and not receiving anything in return. I'm sick of planning things and then having people bail without telling me or giving me a call right before we were supposed to meet saying that you found something better to do (Well, you might not actually say that, but I know better than to believe lies you've come up with...).

As I said, I'm tired. And I'm fed up. Don't expect to get any calls from me. If you want to call me, go for it. I'll probably answer, depending on where I am at the moment (school, home, work, or sleep). On the off chance that I don't answer, please leave a message (I HATE hang ups.). I always return phone calls and texts. Either way, though, the only people I will be calling personally and of my own volition will be my immediate family.

Out.
Stef.

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