Welcome Back, Mr. Kotter

I've been in a funk since May of 2005. Yeah. Nearly 3 years. It's crazy to think that I'm nearly 3 years out of high school...

Anyways, though. Yes, a funk... And it sucked (Notice that I used the past tense!). But I believe myself to be coming out of it, ever so slowly. :) I don't know what it was, but there was something going on where I didn't know what I was doing with my life, I felt like everything I touched turned to cancer (Very few people will get that reference, but... Whatever. Jerry Springer the Opera, anyone???), and all I wanted to do was sleep my life away. I reiterate: it sucked.

Lately, though, I've been treating myself a little better. I'm trying to make a conscientious effort to be more positive. None of this berating myself simply because I dropped a book. No looking in the mirror and thinking, 'Man, I was such a cute kid. What the hell happened??' It's surprising how powerful an effect on your overall mental state negative thoughts can have. Now that I'm starting to weed them out, I have a much stronger sense of rest and self acceptance. I am who I am, and that's a good thing. God made me how He wanted, and not liking anything that He has given me is disrespectful. I'd rather not upset God. That'd probably be bad. hah I do too much shit without the negative thoughts to make my entrance into Heaven questionable (Thank God for Jesus, right???), so I need to take it day by day... and not worry about how I perceive everyone else to look. That girl over there is not prettier than me. She's not uglier than me, but not prettier. She's just a different looking person. Not any better or worse. That's my big downfall: comparison. I always find myself comparing myself to other women. Is she prettier? Does she have nicer hair? She's skinnier than me, the skinny bitch... And so on and so forth. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this, but thinking like that makes me feel so horribly wretched. So I'm out to stop that. Granted, it's how I've been thinking for 15+ years, so it's going to be a hard habit to break. But I'm thinking positively. I'm positive I can do it. :)

Don't think I'm doing this alone, though. I happen to have a wonderful God who gives me strength every second of every day, and He has also provided me with a close friend who is really frustrated and SET on changing the way I think about myself. He's a relatively new friend (going on 3 months of knowing him), but he's helping me greatly. He has shit, too, that I'm helping him with. It's a nice, give and take relationship, and it has definite potential.

And for all of you nosy ninnies, no, I'm not in a romantic relationship with him. It could happen eventually, but not for a good long while. It's like I said in my "I need to fix myself before I can affect others" blog: I'm not ready for a relationship. I have way too much baggage to get rid of before I can be completely open with the man I'm supposed to marry. For the time being, we're just enjoying the fact that we mesh really well and not labeling anything. It's nice, actually.

Opera rehearsal went pretty well today. I was more off book than I had thought. Near the end, I definitely got a little mushy, but that was only for 2 or 3 lines. Otherwise, I was boss. haha Not really. All I have to do, now, is make it second nature so I can feel the music and act the crap out of it. It's such a great acting part; I can't do it and not act like crazy! It also helps that Puccini was a parlando Italian genius (parlando Italian = the type of music that mimics speaking patterns instead of melody lines and so on. I mean, there's a melody, but a lot of the lines are written as someone was speaking them, just on pitch. Amazing. And so beautiful.), so it's really easy to connect the sung lines with speaking them and so on. Well, not easy... But easier than if I were singing a simple melody.

What else is there going on in my life? I already covered the light at the end of the depression tunnel (depression used VERY lightly here) as well as the boy and the opera...

Well, I don't know why, but I'm a HUGE fan of that Boys Like Girls song, "Hero / Heroine." It's not really my style, but... something about it just gets to me.

It's too late baby, there's no turning around
I've got my hands in my pocket and my head in a cloud
This is how I do
When I think about you
I never thought that you could break me apart
I keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart
You want to get inside
Then you need to get in line
But not this time


Cause you caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine

I won't try to philosophize
I'll just take a deep breath and I'll look in your eyes
This is how I feel
And its so so real
I got a closet filled up to the brim
With the ghosts of my past and the skeletons
And I don't know why
You'd even try
But I won't lie

You caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming


I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?

And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

And you caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?

(I feel like a hero and you are my heroine)
And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
(Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?)
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

(I feel like a hero and you are my heroine)
And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
(Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?)
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated

I was so jaded

I don't know. It's not this great piece... There's just something about it that strikes me. I will say that the melody line on the line "I feel like a hero, and you are my heroine" is beautiful to me. The P8 (look at me, using theory terms... for you laymans, that's just Perfect Octave...) comprising the two notes during the word "heroine" is... whew. Sends shivers up my spine. :)

What else have I been listening to? Oh... Now, I'm a little ashamed of this, but... I really like Ashley Simpsons "Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya)." It's kind of reminiscent of "Mickey" from the 80's with it's techno feel, but... modernized. I like it.

What? Is that all you got to say?
What what? You're rubbing me the wrong way

See all this moving

But I don't ... what to say

Shut up your chatter

I need for you to go away


(Chorus)

And all I ever hear is ay ya ya ya ya

You're talking way too much

I can't even hear me now

All this noise is messing with my head

You're in my head, get outta my head

Outta my, outta my head

Get outta my head

Outta my, outta my head

Outta my, outta my head

Just what I said, what


You looking at me, boy?

Show me repsect, or I'll show you the door

Get out that door

Lately, I've a problem with the way you behave

You're too much

And all... for me


(Chorus)

And all I ever hear is ay ya ya ya ya

You're talking way too much

I can't even hear me now

All this noise is messing with my head

You're in my head, get outta my head

Outta my, outta my head

Get outta my head

Outta my, outta my head

Outta my, outta my head

Just what I said, what


All your opinions, keep them to yourself

Just let me think so I can hear myself

Wouldn't it be nice if I could just go solo, take a day off

I'd be all right if you would just leave me...

Ay ya ya ya, you're talking way too much

You tell me one time... I'll bite your head off ...

Who I am, and I can't be no one else

You've got nothing nice to say, keep your comments to yourself


(Chorus)

And all I ever hear is ay ya ya ya ya

You're talking way too much

I can't even hear me now

All this noise is messing with my head

You're in my head, get outta my head

Outta my, outta my head

Get outta my head

Outta my, outta my head

Outta my, outta my head

Just what I said, what

Either way, if you want an upbeat little ditty, go for it. It's fun to listen to and bop around in your bedroom. 'Cause I know I love me some bopping around in my bedroom. Along the same lines, Miley Cyrus' "I Can't Wait to See You Again" is great, too. I know, I know. I'm totally selling out... But I like it. I can't help it! It's just so catchy!

Speaking of which, I cleaned my bedroom and finally got the majority of my stuff moved in its place. All of my books are in my shelves, my clothes are put away... I feel so organized. haha I wish I had done this earlier. Part of me is really resistant to the cleaner in me, though. My mom has always gotten onto my sister and me for being messy while she, herself, is a neat freak (although we've worn her down over the years...), and to actually be turning into my mother scares me a little bit. I'm only 21, and I'm acting like my mother. Isn't that something you're supposed to realize when you're in your 30's or 40's?? I'm supposed to be making stupid decisions while drunk, not cleaning and behaving responsibly!! haha Oh, well. I guess it's to be expected. I've always done things a little weird.

Ok, this is a really long one.

Peace out.

~Stef

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